You Don't Know Me. Yet.

I am open.

I am non-judgemental.

I am hard working.

I am loving.

I worry too much.

I want to know about your life, because I care.

I'm tough.

I break, but only for a little while.

I can handle anything that's thrown at me.

I will be your best friend when everyone else disappears.

I will be the shoulder you can cry on.

I might give you advice on whim, whether you want to hear it or not.

I can't keep my mouth shut (or my thoughts secret).

I will make time for you, even when I don't have time for myself.

I won't hesitate to tell you what I think of you, or of a situation you're in.

I will accept you and support you no matter what.

Does that always mean that I agree with what you do?

No.

I'll never judge you for it. Ever.

Does that mean I'll secretly hate you?

Of course not.

I will love you more for it.

I could be upset with you for things you've done. I could threaten and take away the friendship we have.

But would I ever do that?

You need to know that I wouldn't...

Because that's just not me.

So, stop assuming or thinking that you already know what I want.

If you really want to know what I think, or how I think, take the time to get to know me.

Understand what it's like to be a friend with me. Maybe then you'll see just how much I worry and care about the people I know. Every single one of them. Even the ones who I can't relate to. Even the ones I've just met.

Maybe then you'll know just how much things mean to me and what has made me the person I am today. Because, let me tell you, it wasn't easy. I suffered a lot, and I will suffer more. But in the end, I will be better for it. And who knows, maybe you will be too.

You don't know me. At least, not yet.

Endless Thinking.

Part 1: Life.

(Originally written April 5, 2010. Age 17.)

Life is horrible.

With each rising sun of the days we live new challenges come, new hardships meddle their way into every one of our lives.

Some trudge diligently through, while others easily give up. Those who keep pushing have the privilege of experiencing what true pain is, what sorrow and suffering feels like. Yet, they keep working to fix the challenge thrown at them. We keep moving. We keep pushing. We never stop. Well, most of us.

Then, as we begin to believe that we have solved the problem, that life will finally go on happier than ever before, it crashes once again. Only this time it's harder to crawl out of the pitch black hole, to bask in the light once more.

And the question is always there:

Why do we keep living?

Why do we allow ourselves to go through so much pain? Why do we get back up again when we fall? Doesn't it hurt enough? Haven't we been through enough?

We suffer so much in this life, we experience pain we don't want. We often see those around us suffering as well. There's only so much we can take.

But, we live for the moments that make our lives better. We live for our families, our friends. We live for moments where we are so happy, there are no words to explain. For moments that plaster permanent smiles to our faces and cause laughter to ring throughout a room. We live for times where tears of pure joy are shed in the awe of miracles.

...yet, my statement still stands all the same.

Life is Horrible.


But it's worth it.

Part 2: You.

(Written today. Age 21.)

Sometimes - not often - someone walks into life that just gets it.

In the massive sea of people that live on this planet, somehow we come across one - or many - of these incredible, breathtaking people.

The ones who inspire us to do better. To be better.

The ones who force us to question what it means to live and love and learn.

The ones who, amidst chaos and devastation, can find the light and share it.

Without any explanation or any hint of what you think, this person is on the same page while being on a different one altogether. It's like a superpower: they understand what life is about. And it's not necessarily what life is to everyone in general; it's what life means to them. They understand what it means to be truly happy, to walk through life bravely knowing who they are and what they want.

Sometimes, it terrifies the best of us because these people have something that few people actually achieve - they know what it means to be enlightened. They understand what it is to see life in a new perspective, in a better one. They know what it means to have suffered so greatly that nothing will ever feel the same again. But, they have chosen the higher road and learn from their situations.

I love these people. I love their untold stories, the way their eyes shine differently. I love the way they humbly walk through life, expecting nothing but giving everything. I admire the way they can take any situation and turn it into the sun - bright and warm. They give the rest of us that light we lack, but need so greatly.

So why don't we reach for it? Why aren't we running and jumping toward this light they offer? Why do we trap ourselves inside, pretending that other things are more important? It's so simple to obtain - just walk outside.

The Pros & Cons.

At some point in life, I think all of us hit a wall. And we hit it hard.

It doesn't matter how much we try to avoid it; it's there. Even if we slow down to a near halt, the wall and us will inevitably collide.

I've hit that wall. I avoided it like the plague, yet I slammed full force into a harsh barrier of cold concrete. And when I did, I realized my life was headed toward the exact opposite of what I wanted.

There have been times where I felt that I had sacrificed everything that I was and aspired to be for the sake of others' happiness. I settled for things I didn't deserve. I crushed my self-esteem. Sometimes, yeah, I did make the other party happy. But at what cost? The worst part was that I didn't even notice--I just did it, no questions asked.

At some point, we all deserve to hit that wall. Why?

Because we are worth so much more than we know.

Today, though, I feel relieved. I feel happy to be alive and proud that I've taken steps to take control of my life.

I believe in myself.

I am looking forward to what the future holds for me.

I've changed. A lot, actually. But, I love myself so much more now than I did before. I have more confidence than I've ever had.

What's the lesson here?

Don't give up on yourself.

Good things will always come. Always. Even when it feels like there's absolutely no hope left anywhere you turn your eyes. Eventually, they'll find their way to you.

I promise.

Thinking Out Loud.

I remember, quite vividly, the day someone told me I needed to stop looking for the good in people.

To this day, I don't understand why this individual felt the need to say that to me. Maybe, in some odd way, they were only trying to protect me. But, I more than likely will never know the intentions.

I personally love looking for the good in everyone. Even in the person who has openly embarrassed me, mocked me, or hurt me. I see potential where others might not. I believe in everyone I meet, even if they've proved me wrong a countless amount of times. I will trust again and again and again until my heart can't take it anymore, and even then, I still try my best to be civil and understanding of situations.

Honestly, I feel like this is what makes me so open minded when I meet new people; it's easy for me to be accepting. I would hate for someone to look at me, form a judgement and treat me poorly because of it. So, if I'm supposed to treat others how I'd like to be treated--if that's what makes a good person...

I don't want to walk through life skeptical of everyone and everything. I would rather go through life trusting, hoping, and encouraging those around me.

This is the way I live, and this is what makes me happy. 

I will always do what makes me happy.