I Love My Dad.

There was a time that I felt too much anger, confusion and betrayal in my heart. I was upset with myself, not only because I knew I was giving up on important things, but because I didn't know who was making me feel so much anger and sadness in the center of my soul.

I distinctly remember days where I felt that it would be so much easier to just rip my heart out of my chest instead of keeping it alive inside me. I foolishly thought it might be better to watch it bleed and fall apart in front of me. Maybe then, the agonizing pain it felt from time to time would make sense.

I even wrote about it (curious?). Of course.

My soul was on its way to invisibility. I didn't think I'd ever experience that, especially at that age.

And, naturally, as a teenage girl thinking she knew everything because she thought she had met the boy of her dreams, I blamed my parents. But, more specifically, my Dad.

I thought that, because he so openly shared his advice and feelings of love and concern for me, he was only trying to destroy my (false) sense of happiness and security. I thought that because he would try to talk to me, and tell me that I deserved better, that he was only trying to make me miserable. I mistakenly blamed him and marked him as someone who wanted to tear apart my entire world only to make it worse.

I thought I had it all figured out; I had planned the rest of my life on something unstable.

Remembering it now, it seems like it happened such a long time ago. But, in reality, it wasn't too far back. 

My Dad, my sweet, loving Dad, who read my blog posts when the 'boy of my dreams' wouldn't, commented something that I will never forget:

"As I read this post I was filled with mixed emotions. I am extremely proud to have you as a daughter and am very grateful that Heavenly Father trusted your mother and I with your spirit. You are an amazing child with so much potential!!! The love that I have for you is endless and I hope that someday you will come to realize this. I know that at times I can seem unreasonable and harsh and I apologize for this. I only hope that someday you will understand what it means to be given the responsibility to raise a child of God. It brings unexplainable joy and heart stabbing pain as you realize that you are losing control and having to turn it over to your child. How dare your children grow up and think they don't need your guidance anymore! I love you with all of my heart and only want what is best for you. I don't want you to get blinded by tunnel vision as you go on with your life. Please don't be afraid to come to me or your mom with anything that you need guidance with and we will do whatever we prayerfully feel is the right thing to do, even if it is not what you think you need to hear! I can tell when things are going good or bad for you and can't stand to see you hurting!

I love you and always will!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you my wonderful, amazing, loving, role model of a father. Even when I openly attacked his advice, and even him, he answered with love and concern for his daughter. My Dad has taught me, and continues to teach me, what it means to respect someone. He has set the best standards for himself and his family. It is evident in everything he does that my Dad loves us. 

So, Dad, this is to you. This is my open apology for giving you the obnoxious teenage girl stage that every parent hopes to avoid. This is my overdue response to you and the amazing person and Dad that you are. This is confirmation that you aren't a terrible Dad by any means, and you did something in the confusion and mess of parenting right. I'm so glad that you believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I can't express to you the gratitude that I feel for what you wrote two years ago in response to a message that represented the lowest of my lows.  

Because of you and your constant, annoying-to-teenager-me, advice and sit downs, I know more of what it means to respect myself and realize what it means when you say I deserve more. If it weren't for you, I'd probably be stuck in the same rut for another few years. 

I love my Dad. There is no one better in the world than him to take that role in my life. I truly believe that.

I can only wish to one day be half the parent he is.