Repeat.

You know that feeling you get in the deepest part of your stomach when something you see reminds you of something heartbreaking? I do.

Today has been a day of the past. Of being reminded of what I could of had and what I lost. Being reminded that they things I lost are still around, lurking in the back of my mind, waiting to make a second entrance in order to capture my undivided attention. I feel as though these terrible feelings are telling me something, or at least trying to. I have tried endlessly to forget how I feel when I have days such as these.

My problem? I can't trust. Sometimes, I feel as though I can't even trust myself.

I am reminded of a Sunday School class where I had leaders and teachers who I absolutely adored. During one particularly deep lesson, they told the class that the best thing you could do in life is not trust yourself. Self control is a tricky thing to play with. In all reality, it's like playing with fire. Don't screw your life up because you wanted something in a small moment that wasn't worth the beautiful, wonderful, awe-inspiring person that you are. At first, I was far from understanding this great advice. But now that I'm just a little older, I get it. If you go through life thinking you always know best, thinking that you're the only person who is worthy of that valuable trust...let me warn you now: it will not help you progress in your life. It will only tear you down and pull you backward. Trust is such a delicate thing, and to put it all in yourself is one of the worst things you could do. If you're going to put all your trust in someone, be sure you put it in God, because he is the one person who is never, ever going to let you down. If you trust yourself and your decisions, all you're going to be doing your whole life is making mistakes and choosing wrong.

I am so happy that I have a God that is always there for me, who hears what I have to say and helps me along this hard time in life. If I could only explain and cause others to truly realize how much they are loved and cared for by their Father in Heaven. His love is unprejudiced and eternal. What more could a person ask for in life but to know this sweet and simple truth?

This being said, that does not mean life will be easy. Life is very hard, make no mistake. But with someone lovingly there watching over you, it makes things a whole lot easier and that realization can mean the world to someone.

God will never lose my trust. But, people are not like God. There are several here who had my complete trust and stomped on it like it was no more than the dirt beneath their feet. Others took advantage of it--manipulated me until I felt confused and lonely.

It is so, very difficult for me to trust someone once they've destroyed what I thought being friends with them meant. It is hard for me to look someone in the eye and say "It's alright," when I know that they were the ones who attempted to cause me so much pain and distress. This is how I am; this is my biggest flaw. I have severe trust issues. And I could sit here and explain for days how I could blame it on aunts and uncles and grandparents who weren't good influences, or friends who befriended me only to play games and be manipulative, but in the end I know it's up to me to change this about myself.

I had someone tell me once, someone who I thought was looking out for me and trying to help me do good, that I see too much good in people. That I can see the good even when they've done so much bad that it seems impossible. This same person told me to stop doing this. To change and see the world as it really is. I was only 16 at the time. I couldn't believe what I had heard. Someone who was well-respected telling me to stop seeing the good and focus on the bad? It made my heart break. God meant for this world to be good and I believe that. I will always believe that.

But that tore me apart. How could seeing too much good be bad for me? Good brings happiness; it brought me more than plenty. I could see more of the world if I focused on it's good aspects while acknowledging the bad, but not too much.

The world is good.

I want to see good again.