Monsters.

At some point or another, you're going to look back on your life and reflect on the decisions you've made. You're going to ask yourself "why in the world did I dress like that?" Or "Did I really say that?" You might even have to ask "how could I have treated that person that way?"
Then there are times in your life when you will look at yourself and see a monster. Or there are times where you will be that person who is being completely torn apart.
I think it's safe to say that I've been on both sides of that spectrum. Neither is right, neither is healthy, neither is fun. People are monsters. I learn that more and more every day...yet, the more I see the monster in them, the more I see that they need help. They need that loving hand to guide them, to tell them that it will be okay, to give them comfort. But they don't have it because of their blindness...maybe that's why God tells us to love our neighbors. We need to be the ones to help them. And, in the end, if we're the ones who end up being the monsters...well, then no one is at loss.

It's Almost Midnight.

I'm really tired, yet I can't find the will to sleep. So, I sit here playing episode after episode of How I Met Your Mother, thinking about the person I love and typing. But still, I can't sleep. I can feel it creeping on me, so close, my eyes growing heavier with each minute that passes, but my head keeps turning, and my mind is more awake, thinking about the future and present, wishes and dreams. There are so many things that I want right now, and so many things that I can't have just yet.
I wish I could fast forward to a few years from now.
I'm going to be...
blissful.

If I died.

Would you cry?
How often would you think of me, of the times we were together?
Would you pretend to hold me in your arms and whisper 'it's alright,' just like you always had before?
Would you dream of me, or of where I'd be, maybe convince yourself that I would be watching over you right then and there?
How would you make yourself feel better?
How could you get through the day?
Would you let yourself smile? Would you tell yourself that it's okay?
Would it be okay?
If I were gone for a while...just for a while, not too long. If I promised to be back? What then? Could you make it? Would that give you strength? Would it, could it, be enough? Could you live a long, healthy life and meet me at the end? Would you have the strength to make it through?
Could you love me enough to say goodbye?
After all, goodbyes never last forever.

General Conference

I don't know if posts like these happen often. I sure hope they do, because I doubt there wasn't one person who watched General Conference wasn't inspired for at least a fraction of a second. I was upset that I couldn't watch all of conference today. I was scheduled to work from 11:45am until 9:45pm, so I only got a little bit in...and when I say a little, I mean a little. Being sick, I slept until 10, took a bath and attempted to listen with what hearing I had, then got my little dying self ready before I had to leave at 11:30. As I walked into my car and turned it on, slightly heartbroken that I couldn't listen to the Prophets, General Conference was playing on the radio with President Eyring speaking. I only heard just a little of his talk, but what I heard was enough to strengthen my testimony more than I could have ever hoped for. What really struck me was when he was quoting this scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants:

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

When he read this, I could tell that President Eyring knew with a surety unshakeable that God cared for him, loved him, and wanted him to succeed in life. It made me want to work much harder to be like the man speaking before me. I felt, after walking out of my car into work, almost a pang of guilt at the fact that I had 'lost focus' in a sense--I had been so caught up with school and work that I had forgotten what life is really about. I am so glad that just those two words of "My Son," gave me the strength I needed to get through a very difficult day. I felt so much love in those two words spoken, that I wanted what President Eyring had. So, when I got home, I listened to his talk in its entirety. What an absolutely AMAZING man he is. I admire him so much, and I am thankful to God that he was able to speak at that exact moment in time.

Those two words to me meant the world. I had a desire to be better, to be the best I could be. In those words, I felt a love of Christ and God for me, and I knew, with only those words, that I would never be alone, and I was never, ever alone. How great is God. He works in the greatest ways, He is perfect. It almost brings me to tears that I had not even an hour before listening to this talk, walked into my apartment feeling lonely and distraught. Today, this was exactly what I needed. I needed to know that someone was always going to be there for me, and I want to always be there for Him. I never want to forget that again. It's what I live for.

In the end, it all turns to God.

Who Knows Everything?

Everyone around me is being irrational with their yelling, crying, observing, stupidity, and idiocy. Yet, that’s what we are: a bunch of idiots screaming, “I’m right and you’re wrong!” When we know that there isn’t any truth in the statement. We each find what is right for ourselves, do we not? Whether it be through a hard, difficult road or an easier, safer path…we all eventually determine what we’ve always wanted for ourselves.

So, why is it that other people make a point to get in the way?

Our decisions are never fit for their taste; we don’t make choices that rise up to their expectations…

But, I often find myself asking, what does it matter?

If choosing what they would have wanted will ultimately make me unhappy…why listen? Because it’s how they’d rather me be? Because it’s the ‘right thing’?

The right thing…what is the right thing? The answer varies for almost every single being.

According to my religion, if I’m living righteously, if I desire righteous things, then what is in my heart is right. What is good for me is right.

We are not here to live for other people. We’re here, in the end, to find who we are as individuals, to recognize our decisions and why we’ve made them. We are here to reach happiness. Each individual level. It doesn’t matter if someone else might think you’re unhappy. If you’re doing the right thing, and you know it in your heart, know it with all you are that it’s what makes you happy, then go after it! There’s no sense in passing up an opportunity to learn and grow. At some point, you’ll have to say goodbye to those people who seek to control you’re every move, no matter how much comfort you find in that. The second you learn to let go you’ll learn so much, and you’ll learn even more when the other side learns to say goodbye.

But as for me and my story?

I’m still here waiting for the other end.

Who knows, maybe the time when they realize that I’m fine will come sooner than I think.

2011...what a blur.

Ask me what I remember from this past year and I wouldn't remember much without some serious thought. But this year, I realize, has been one of the biggest ever. Even if there wasn't much to remember of it.
I guess the best place to start is the beginning of it all!
December 2010:
I start here because something crucial in my life happened, and I don't think I've really written it down. In the beginning of the month I was taken to the ER at Primary Children's Medical Center for the horrible migraines I'd been dealing with. My visit consisted of an IV, an MRI--my first one that I can remember and I never want one again. The nurse there hadn't put an earphone in all the way, and the noises had made my headache so bad my vision blurred horribly for the next hour--and a spinal tap. Everything looked normal. So I was sent home with medicine to make me sleep for two days straight--which I dreaded because I'd been admitted a month earlier because I was sleeping too much and had passed out. Anyway, two days later my dad would check on me and decide whether or not to take me back. Well, about a week later I was admitted once again to receive a medicine called DHE. My dad wanted a PICC line because the medicine is really harsh on your veins. So, for 3 days and 2 nights I was probably the most uncomfortable I've been in my entire life. I was nauseous, tired, hurting, ornery, and hating my life. But at least I didn't have to stay an entire week. My migraines were killed off by the DHE and I was given something that would get rid of an oncoming migraine the next time I needed it. Let's just say I wasn't in the best mood when new years came around..
January:
The guys pref dance--big green tractor. Of course. When I heard about it I couldn't help but laugh. What a strange theme...there was absolutely no way i'd be going to that. No way. I got asked to it--the world hates me--but luckily it was one of my great friends. :) He agreed to my 'rebel' idea. Instead of dirty jeans, mucky cowboy boots, straw-filled hats, and 'lumberjack' shirts, we would be the only dark, clean jeaned, black leather jacket wearing, cleanliness all over people there. Definitely a funny night. Of course we had some looks thrown toward us by the party planners...but someone always has to go against the system, right? ;) The rest of the month was spent in sickness on my part. Horrible sores in my mouth that made it hard to eat, and then the flu. I'm still convinced to this day that my body has become immune to that dumb flu shot. During that time I made a pretty big decision; I will not get married until I'm at least 27. And that was the end of it.
February:
Bryce Canyon with the McKellars! It's always my most favorite thing to do before my birthday. We did so many things; cross-country skiing, oh, so many pictures in the car, snow shoeing...endless amounts of fun. And maybe one little argument in between, but who couldn't live without those? ;)
This month was the one of my life guarding class too...oh man. So many great friendships made. I'm sure I was the oldest there, but it was still so much fun. And stressful. But I got through it just fine! Then the official beginning to my 18th year of life. And how did I start it? By writing, of course. And things were looking up. Finally.
March:
And here comes yet another hospital visit. Those ridiculous migraines were ruining me. I don't remember having to stay there again, and it was only because I had taken imitrex before that I didn't. The DHE couldn't be given to me because of that. Thank the heavens above. The neurologist--bless his heart--gave me a steroid to kill the pain instead, saving me another long visit there. And then I went home with another prescription. Topamax. And this one was a daily med. I started to lose my appetite, and I lost a lot of weight. But as long as it was keeping my migraines away...I was going to deal with it. And I did. I even dealt with the tingling that stopped me from playing my violin sometimes. But not everything in that month was bad. I was chosen to be the prose editor for the school's literary art magazine. And I enjoyed that so much. It kept my mind off of the bad and made me focus on the good. The magazine is definitely one of the highlights of my life!
April:
Orchestra Tour. Seattle, WA. The most amazing week of my life. We went to the EMP, rode the ducks--not particularly my favorite, performed at a festival, and went to the Seattle Symphony. And let me just say now, music has never been so close to bringing me to tears as it did listening to them. And then Seattle. It was gorgeous. I loved the rain everyday, and the Farmers Market. It was all so different than what I'm used to, and it was a different that I really loved. But, on the way home, I got a little sick. So I spent the driving hours sleeping, and trying my best to keep lunch down. I probably slept for the next few days when I got home, too. And amazing trip, but really tiring.
May:
My last official month of High School. I was ecstatic. Nothing in the world could have made me happier at the time. I wouldn't have to deal with the hoards of idiotic kids roaming halls and complaining all the time. I would officially be an adult. Finally! But, I refused to go to graduation. To me, it was an unnecessary celebration of all the useless things learned. And all we got was a piece of paper with our names on it, pretty much only saying 'good job, now go learn something useful' on it. College graduation would be so much more satisfying to go to. All the people I knew thought I was crazy. But I thought they were out of their minds for thinking it.
June:
I successfully did not go to graduation. :) Best day ever. But this month was when a friend of mine left for basic training. And that was a little upsetting for a short time. But we move on, and feelings grow less painful over time. We wrote letters to each other, and that was a new experience. I found it entertaining. And the first month of my 'summer of freedom' started looking up to bigger, better things. I had fun playing around with some of my really good friends.
July:
Walking. And walking. And walking. :) my best friend in the neighborhood and I went on so many walks, I thought our feet might fall off. But they stayed in tact and we kept going. Little did he know that I was preparing him for the Trek that he would go on soon. But our walks quickly became so much more than that. I depended on those walks to keep me happy. And just how we kept putting one foot in front of the other, I learned to keep moving on in life. Those walks taught me a little lesson or two about life. Mom started to get suspicious though. The 'just friends' line wasn't working for her anymore. At the end of the month he left for trek, and I don't think I've missed anyone that bad in my entire life.
August:
My first kiss. :) and who better to share it with than my best friend? This is the month of change for me. After all the talks, laughs, walks...we finally officially paired off. And I was at my happiest. This is when I started to want to go to church. This is when I found my greatest joys. And I will never forget them. This might have been a month with little events, but it is a month that I will make sure to always remember. This is my peak. I had reached the top of a difficult mountain, and I was set on staying there at the top for as long as I could manage.
September:
My first time shooting. Terrifying, but so much fun. I hit the target dead on my seconds shot, but I had absolutely no precision after that. Embarrassing. But I enjoyed watching my dad and brother shoot, as well as my boyfriend and his dad. We had a great time! Later that month was moving time. There was a situation happening with our home--lots of things breaking--so we moved into an apartment a little bit away. Another move. I was not happy. That mountain I'd climbed had crumbled and turned to dust. But I learned from moving, once again, and after a couple days of sad, I made myself get over it.
October:
Halloween--the most dreaded of all holidays. Especially this year. But, this was another month of change. I found who I was and what I want in life. I realized that even though I may not know exactly what to study, or exactly where I want to go, I am still a daughter of a loving God and he will provide. I realize that I have a duty while I'm living here on earth and in time it will be revealed to me. And, I also realized, after so many nights of seemingly hopeless frustration and tears, that it's okay for me to go for what I what. Do what I'd like. My parents have taught me everything they can. Now it's my turn to use my lessons learned and be who I really am. If it feels wrong to me, then it is. I know how it works a little bit more every day.
November:
Second major fight with little boy. Kind of a sad month for me. I got confused with what my parents wanted and what I did. But in my heart I knew. Breaking up would do nothing but tear me apart. Being with him is like breathing. I need him there for me. And he feels the same. Breaking up did not last long. We couldn't do it. It was so hard..like someone crushing you to the point where breath becomes difficult to take in. But this is where I realized I really, really love him. And I will for forever. Thanksgiving came around, and everything went back to normal. Apart from stress caused by fights with a few people, I was happy. I could do anything.
December:
Christmas time brings joy. It's not just about the gifts you get or the commercialized part of it with 'Santa Claus' and all the fairy tales. What I loved about this month was giving. I could actually buy things to give to others, and that feeling of their happiness made me happy. But I did get my gifts too ;) gift cards, a London Olympic shirt, pajamas, journals, a quill, ink, and a beautiful ring. I loved everything. Especially the ring my boyfriend gave me...so beautiful. No engagement quite yet ;) just a fulfilling of my obsession with the little piece of jewelry. But it makes me happy to know that he went out of his way to look for it. And it makes me even happier to know that he cares and so do all the people around me.

So, after some serious thought and reflection...I'd say this year has been an unforgettable one.
Now it's time to make more of those memories!
Happy New Year Everyone! :)